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Saving Face: Avoiding Embarrassment in Online Dating

I want to place a personal ad, but I'm scared. What if the person I'm writing doesn't like me when we meet? What if my coworkers, friends or family find out I'm using online personals? What if the person I'm writing turns out to be a lying, cheating SOB? How do I know if it's even safe to meet this person?

If I've heard those questions once, I've heard them a million times. Relax. Internet dating isn't all that much different than any other form of dating; it just gives you a chance to meet people you wouldn't ordinarily meet in your everyday life. The vast majority of the people you meet online are no different than you or I, or the people you'd meet at the grocery store, the bus stop or the park.

What if the person I'm writing doesn't like me when we meet?

The best way to deal with this is to just be completely honest in your personal ad profile and subsequent emails. I've heard from a lot of disappointed online daters, and the number one complaint is that they feel their date misrepresented him-or-herself. Many were annoyed that their date used an old, outdated, or heavily altered photo, and a few used pictures of someone else entirely! Others were lied to about height, weight, age, marital status, or jobs.

Often, the bigger complaint was the fact that they were lied to, not that someone was a few pounds overweight, had a little less hair, or didn't have a high-profile, high-paying job. I've been told several times, for example, "I didn't care that she was a few years older than me, but knowing she lied about it makes me wonder what else she's lied about."

In short, if you are honest when dealing with someone, you won't have anything to apologize for later. You'll know before you even meet that the guy you're about to meet prefers a woman with real curves, or that the woman you're about to meet thinks a receding hairline is a kind of sexy.

Disclaimer: This doesn't mean that you have to blurt out every single, intimate, gory detail of your life before you even meet someone. You're not a guest on "Revealed with Jules Asner," so if you'd rather not discuss some highly personal information, you don't have to.

What if my coworkers, friends or family find out I'm using online personals?

For starters, there's nothing wrong with using online personals. Period. The stigma of personals being the last resort for the eternally desperate is fading fast, and normal, everyday people know it's a great way to expand their social circle.

Secondly, how would they know you were using them, if they weren't using online personals themselves?

What if the person I'm writing turns out to be a lying, cheating SOB?

There's no way to guarantee that the person you're about to meet is everything he or she claims to be, but there are some ways to tell if someone is being less than honest. Are they never available on weekends? Do they only call from work and/or a cellphone? If they do call from home, is everything kept very platonic, with only "yes" or "no" answers? If it's long distance, do they insist on meeting you at your place, or somewhere in between? Do their facts just not line up?

Disclaimer: Some people who aren't lying, cheating SOBs do some of the above as safety precautions, and some find it more cost effective to only use cell phones and don't have a land line phone at home. The above questions are only meant to confirm suspicion, not rouse it.

How do I know if it's even safe to meet this person?

When in doubt, don't meet. If someone give you the heebie-jeebies while you're emailing or talking on the phone with each other, you do not have to meet face to face. Pay close attention that the people you plan to meet aren't just saying things that they think you want to hear. For example, those who try to force intimacy: saying romantic, sensual or sexual things before they even know you. Hey, shouldn't you make sure you don't hate the way someone smells before you start talking about love and sex?

Even if no heebies or jeebies present themselves, it's still a good idea to plan your first meeting in a public place, and let friends know where you're going to be and with whom. It's often best to make the first date short and casual, such as meeting for lunch or coffee, so if the chemistry isn't there, you don't have to spend a lot of time or money together. I found it best to meet people as friends. If you're going into it with no expectations beyond having lunch with a friend, how can you be disappointed?

So you see? Internet dating isn't really that much different than more traditional forms of dating, except that you get a chance to know each other for a bit before spending actual time together. There's nothing to be embarrassed about that.