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Making
The Connection
Great!
You've placed an ad, or answered an ad, and got a response
(or several) that sound like someone you'd like to get to
know. Now what? Here's some tips on getting the ball rolling,
and eventually meeting face to face.
In
the beginning especially, it's good to include a bit (or all)
of the original e-mail when responding to someone. You don't
know how many people they are writing, or how busy they are,
or even if they are air-headed and forget things from one
e-mail to the next. You can even past the original message,
and add your own comments in between the lines. It feels more
conversational that way.
Just
remember to have fun! As with any relationship, if the bullshit
outweighs the fun in the 'getting to know you' stage, it's
not worth it. If someone doesn't write enough, or writes lame
one line responses, it's not worth it. If you're doing all
the work, it's not worth it. If you feel like you have to
twist someone's arm to get information, it's not worth it.
Watch
for inconsistencies, but don't be paranoid. Check out this
exchange my sister had with a guy whose paranoia got the
better of him. It's one thing to keep an eye out for red flags,
it's another to set off several of your own by repeat interrogation.
I
don't know how often I can stress this: Don't Fall In Love!
Not
until you meet someone, anyway. I have seen so many "success
stories" that say, "I have met my soul mate online.
We are getting married... as soon as we can meet in person."
Uhh... right. Then there's the other side: "I met this
person online... we clicked. We seemed perfect. He (or she)
told me he (or she) loved me. We were planning on getting
married. When we met in person, he (or she) was totally different.
Wow... what a mistake I almost made!" And the other side
of that: I met this person online... we clicked. We seemed
perfect. He (or she) told me he (or she) loved me. We were
planning on getting married. When we met in person, he (or
she) said I wasn't what he (or she) expected me to be. I'm
heartbroken!"
You
are not in love with someone after reading words they wrote!
I enjoyed reading Drew Carey's book Dirty Jokes and Beer.
It made me laugh. It reminded me of things I say. But am I
going to say I'm IN LOVE with him? Heck no!
Listen,
there's plenty of time to fall in love AFTER you meet in person.
Make sure you can at least TOLERATE each other before professing
undying love!
How
soon should you meet? I think about a month is a good time
frame. You don't want to wait too long, but you don't want
to jump into something either. In a month of steady e-mails
and phone calls and picture swapping, you should know someone
well enough to meet them face to face. If you wait much longer
than that, you're probably going to have a lot of pre-conceived
notions and expectations that may be hard to live up to.
Some
basic tips... most of which I think I ignored.
Before
you meet, come clean on anything you've been less-than-honest
about. I'm not talking about any death-bed confessions here,
but if you're a bit chubbier than you'd like to be, or your
hair is a little thinner than the picture you sent, maybe
if you're a little older than you let on, now's a good time
to bring it up.
Meet
in a public place, and let your friends know where you're
going. Better yet, bring some friends alone. And your cell
phone.
If
you must stay overnight, get a hotel room... your OWN hotel
room.
Make
definite plans, with a definite time frame. Don't leave things
too open ended.
Don't
be cruel. If someone isn't what you expected, you don't have
to call them names. You can still have a lunch with a good
friend, can't you? (This is why you shouldn't get your hopes
up too much. If you go into a situation thinking I'm going
to meet a new friend, you won't be disappointed if they aren't
the love of your life.)
Avoid
Taco Bell at least three days before you plan to meet someone.
Trust me.
Some
other things to avoid - burping, farting, vomiting (especially
ON the other person), excessive drinking, tipping cows, committing
crimes, and getting abducted by aliens. Not good on a first
date.
Most
of all, remember that no matter how much you've e-mailed,
chatted, and talked on the phone, this IS just a first date.
Don't do "stuff" you typically wouldn't do on a
first date. Don't think of it as "the rest of our beautiful
lives together." People are often different face to face,
so it's best to just think of it as meeting a great friend.
What
to watch for...
It
shouldn't come to a surprise to you that some people lie about
things, especially when they meet online. On the internet,
you can pretend to be anything you want to be - young, fit,
attractive, rich, smart (well, they pretend, but it's harder
to fake!). Not that such people don't exist... So, how do
you tell the phonies from the Real McCoys?
Unfortunately,
there's no real way to tell if someone is feeding you a line
of bull. In this way, it's best to have a very offbeat personality
and tastes. Someone may lie and say they like moonlit walks
& candlelight dinners (isn't that what we're supposed
to like?), but not many would lie and say they like less typical
things and more specific things, such as Snickerdoodle Cookies
and the idea of taking over the world.
So,
what are some things to watch for? Some things are easier
to spot when you progress to the phone stage, obviously.
Do
they refuse to send a picture? "I don't know how"
is not a valid reason. Anyone
can get a picture put on disc, or have a friend scan a pic
or take a picture with a digital camera.
Do
they only call at specific times, and don't want you to call?
Do they get upset if you do call? Might be married, or at
least involved.
Do
the background noises on the phone not match their described
lifestyle? If they said they don't have kids, and you hear
Telletubbies in the background... no good can come of that.
Either they're lying about having children -- or they actually
LIKE the Teletubbies!
Do
they postpone meeting face to face again and again and again?
My guess... married or trying to lose weight.
Do
they refuse, after a reasonable amount of time, to give out
personal information, like last names & phone numbers?
Married, or paranoid.
Do
their facts and stats not match up with their pictures? Kinda
speaks for itself, doesn't it?
Making
The Connection
©
2003 Lorina.Net
Lorina is the webmaster and administrator
of this site, as well as numerous other online dating and
personal ad resources such as Dating
Advice Forums and Dating
Review.
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