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Everything I Know About Dating, I Learned in Kindergarten

by Curt Degenhart

Explode your dating world. Reject all the rules, motherly advice, insipid ideas about what guys want, and other pop schlock. The time is now for a total annihilation of how you think about dating and relationships. This ain't gonna be easy.

Making Up My Own Rules

MatchScene itself published "25 rules from men to women." I had a very good laugh. In fact, it reminded me of lists I used to make with my friends back in 8th grade: a bunch of us boys would get together, list all the girls in our class, and rate them as to their positive and negative attributes. That was then. Now, I've got a better idea. Why not just make one rule for guys to live by: "I'll do whatever I want to do"? When you find that very few partners will put up with that, you'll have to figure out what other rules you can live by. Can't say you didn't try.

From Boy to World: 9 Rules

You could say that I think all these rules men and women are making up about each other, for each other, are nothing but the ravings of boys and girls grown tall.

In response to the legacy these lists of rules have left us, I've come up with my own list - from a little boy to little girls. Please, pass it on.

1. Don't touch my blocks. They're mine. I don't want to share. If I do decide to share, you'd better give me something I want in return.

2. I never think about you unless you're with me. I'm not really aware of others. In fact, I hardly think about myself. Of course, I'm very young and haven't developed the cognitive abilities one needs to think much at all about myself or others.

3. If I'm not nice to you, tough. Go play with the girls. Maybe we can talk again in a few years, or have some fun on the playground behind the jungle gym. Please. Sorry I was so mean. That's just the way we boys are. I can't help myself. Is there any way I can make it up to you, except this Sunday 'cause I'm already busy.

4. Girls have too many shoes and too many clothes. I'm jealous. The only way I'll get to wear an outfit with lots of accessories is if I become a football player or a rock star. I better start practicing.

5. Boys don't cry. Only sissy girls cry. If I fall down and hurt myself, I'm not gonna cry, but I might go off and slug someone. But no way do I cry. That wasn't a tear you saw - that was from anger.

6. Repeat: Boys are not sensitive! Watch me smash this block tower! ARRRRRGH!

7. Don't complain about the toilet seat. You're lucky I even hit the toilet. I can barely reach the rim anyway. Mom will clean it up if I make a mess. A few dribbles never killed anybody, right? You have it easy, you don't have to aim.

8. I don't remember important dates. I can barely remember my own birthday, although I never would forget it completely. I'd be pretty upset if you forgot it. Don't forget me and my birthday! Sorry if I forget your important dates, but it's your fault for not reminding me. Sorry in advance for not remembering.

9. I like guns, torturing spiders, and playing ball. Please respect my needs. They're what a boy wants. What can I say, that's how I am. I can do these things whenever I want to. I might do something girly with you later, only if you leave me alone now.

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