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Is
This The One?
by
Curt Degenhart
What's
a reliable way to know if someone's right for you? There isn't
one. How do you know for sure if you're ready to settle down?
Who knows? Believe me, I've been trying to figure out these
issues for myself for some time now, and it is difficult.
Who hasn't had a nagging feeling like, "Is this the one
for me?" Maybe you've got a great relationship going
until you finally get down to the decision to move in together.
Then you get weak-kneed, anxious, and stressed. Or what about
marriage: "Oh my god! Marriage! Is that where we're headed?"
Here's
a question from a MatchScene reader that really addresses
the sticky situation of trying to decide whether a lover is
the right one:
Mensch_Wench
writes: "I'm supposed to be engaged. I'm living with
the guy and we'll get married. We're both 50 so I guess it's
just routine, but, as I keep telling him, I don't marry every
guy I date, so this is a big deal for me. I can't tell if
I'm suffering from settling-down fever and I'm not used to
it or if he really isn't it. I want something to happen soon.
When I ask, he says, "Of course..." It's obvious
to him that we're it, together, forever, etc. So why am I
still reading Match.Com and why am I writing this note?"
Move
up the Commitment Ladder
OK,
Mensch_Wench, here's the deal. It isn't clear to you that
you and your fiancé are "it, together, forever."
That doesn't mean that he's not the one for you. It just means
that it isn't obvious to you. Let me just say here that this
uncertainty in the face of increasing levels of commitment
is common. In fact, your future husband might at this very
moment be wondering, "Is she the one for me? What horrible
feelings! I can't let her know my doubt!"
For
many of us, each step up the commitment ladder is tough--whether
it is marriage, deciding to move in together, or even deciding
to date just one person. As you point out, you don't marry
every guy you date and that this is a "big deal"
for you. And it should be. Even at age 50, marriage is never
"just routine."
Sometimes
the Most Wonderful Things Aren't Initially Clear to Us
So
how do you decide which it really is: "settling down
fever" or wondering whether "he really isn't it?"
Let's look first at 'settling down fever.' If you have some
last minute jitters, that doesn't mean that you shouldn't
get married. You need to examine what that "fever"
is all about. You may already be in a great relationship,
but for some reason you can't quite feel its benefits. Sometimes
the most wonderful things aren't at first clear to us. We
live through rough patches with lovers, jobs, and friendships
that have ended, but only later discover just how positive
their effects have been on our lives. Maybe as you make the
move to get married, you see only the bad, little of the good.
You might think that commitment means a loss of 'freedom'
or 'passion' or 'spontaneity' or of love itself. So you might
have a good thing with your fiancé that your "settling
down fever" obscures.
On
the other hand, maybe "he really isn't it." What
would it be like if he really weren't the one? Of course,
only you can know this, but here are some starter thoughts.
Would you feel sad? Angry? Hateful? Or could you feel that
way even if you were madly in love? (My bet is that we can
all feel such strong negative emotions about our partners.)
Are you worried that the love will dry up? Why did you get
engaged in the first place? Maybe you believe you have 'too
many' issues to work out between you? There's no fun there?
No passion? You might be downright wrong for each other. Are
you dragging out a process that you should have ended long
ago just because you're scared to end it?
The
Consequences of Upping the Ante on Love
How
is it possible to know beforehand what sort of relationship
you've got? It doesn't really matter until you realize that
when you up the ante in love, you up both the positive and
negative consequences. Any change in you and your partner's
level of commitment can lead you to feel more of the greatest
love and warmth you've ever experienced in your life. And
subsequently you increase the chance that you'll endure the
most profound rejection and pain you've ever imagined.
Here
are just a few of the emotions you might feel when you go
from dating many to dating one; from seeing each other five
nights a week to living together; from being a couple to getting
engaged; and from engagement to marriage and beyond:
Joy.
Panic. Contentment. Sadness. Glee! Boredom. Relief. Indifference.
Anger! Satisfaction. Terror. Peace. Anxiety. Dread. Fulfillment.
Repression...you get the idea.
Talk
to Your Partner
Notice
that these feelings can't all be just wrapped up in a tidy
little package. They're messy, complicated. Worse, you experience
them all at the same time. Here's my advice: If you're fairly
secure in your relationship, perhaps you could sit down and
talk with your partner in the same honest way you've written
me. Mensch_Wench, you're making a great leap--acknowledge
it. Then, if you can trust your partner with some heavy stuff,
let him know that you might be suffering from "settling
down fever"
Honesty
is important in any long term relationship, so why not let
your future spouse know that you've wondered whether "he
really isn't it." Who knows, maybe he'll tell you that
he, too, was worried just like you are, but that he got over
it. Maybe he'll even tell you how he resolved his concerns
and you'll feel greatly relieved--like it was just "settling
down fever" all along. Or maybe you'll find out that
he doesn't really want to be married, but couldn't bring himself
to tell you.
Either
way, as you up the ante on your relationship, it is time to
talk. Maybe what you find out can help you get clear on the
next step to take, whether it's up another level, or down
the back stairs and out the door.
Mix
'n Match Copyright (c) 2001 Match.com
Inc.
ALL RIGHTS RESERVED
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