What
happens when you want to ask a friend out on a date, but you're
scared you'll hear, "No, thanks"? What can you do
when potential mates think of you less like a lover and more
like a brother? This time out, we address the issue of what
happens when you're perceived to be more fit for friendship
than dating.
It
all started with a letter from a Tools reader named Max, who
wrote:
What
can you do when women--all women--seem to think of you as
nothing more than a friend? I mean, being friends is good,
but I'd like to get into a relationship at *some* point in
my life...
First
of all, Max, don't be too hard on yourself. Being 'just friends'
is an all too common problem these days when, more than ever,
fewer people actually go out on dates, opting instead simply
to 'hang out,' pick up a coffee, or take in a movie, all the
while acting as if there's no date happening. The line between
dating and just hanging around is blurry--and that's where
your dilemma starts.
When
You Become Like a Brother To Her
Have
you ever noticed that friends often don't arouse strong romantic
feelings in some of us? They may seem perfect in all sorts
of ways: funny, great to be around, smart, trustworthy, similar,
and familiar. But no matter how hard we try, they just don't
arouse strong romantic feeling in us? This is what I'd like
to call the Brother Phenomenon, as when women say to you,
"Oh. I could never go out with you--you're like a brother
to me." And you know what happens when you go out with
your brother. Taboo city. Maybe this is why women can't seem
to get past the friendship phase with you.
I
think this phenomenon occurs because people linger too long
in the getting-to-know- you phase, without getting clear right
away about whether their time together are 'real dates' or
'just hanging out.' Haven't you ever felt the initial rush
of interest for a new friend, but then suppressed those feelings
because you thought that she didn't act interested? But it
could be that she felt passion for you, way back when you
first started hanging out. You just couldn't see it. Time
passed, and now you're like a brother to her. She's known
you so long--as nothing more than a friend--and you're no
longer romantically exciting. Get the picture?
Get
Out of the Rut--Fast
So
what can you do to stop becoming a brother and start being
a lover? Don't dawdle too long at the friendship stage. If
your friend has any romantic feelings for you at all, you'll
have to take advantage of the window of opportunity. Ask early,
or be prepared to miss the chance.
Picking
the right time is essential: somewhere after the "getting
to know you" stage but before she starts telling you
about all the men she's really interested in. When she starts
confiding, "I had an awful date last night," be
ready to step in right away, and tell her how you feel about
her.
Making
the switch from friends to lovers isn't easy. You might not
be up to the challenge since it is risky. What if you lose
the relationship entirely? That might happen. But if yours
is a good friendship, it will survive. And don't the potential
gains outweigh the risks? Just do it. Otherwise, you'll always
be stuck as a brother, wishing the man she dates were you.
Mix
'n Match Copyright (c) 2001 Match.com
Inc.
ALL RIGHTS RESERVED
Disclaimer:
This site is intended for entertainment and informational purposes
only. The opinions stated on this site are just that: Opinions.
We are not professionals, just people who have lived life and want
to help others gain perspective on their dating and personal issues.
We will not candy-coat advice or tell you what you want to hear;
we will tell you what we think you need to hear. Parental guidance
is suggested for those under 18 years of age.
